Today was the first day of school. I left for class an hour early in an effort to give myself plenty of breathing room to get settled and ready for my first batch of fresh Chinese faces at 0800. I did not take into account a number of things in my Monday morning routine....
THE TRAFFIC. Oh. My. God. Today I experienced full blown Beijing crazy a** rush hour for the first time. I literally saw my life pass before me on multiple occasions- just trying to cross ten lanes of traffic to which nobody, I mean NOBODY, follows the traffic signals, and they sure as h**l do NOT yield to pedestrians. The law of tonnage applies here. City buses were gridlocked with cars, were gridlocked with scooters, were gridlocked with food carts, were gridlocked with bicycles, were gridlocked with people, kids, cats, dogs- The only thing I did not see was goats. Seriously. No goats at rush hour. Other than that, I prayed, said some Hail Mary's, crossed myself, and attempted to cross the street no less than four times before I finally made a run for it in front of and behind cars that were honking. So. many. cars. honking. I never heard so much honking in my life. It addled my sleep deprived brain. I only had one Cuban coffee to start my day, and clearly, I need to brew a double batch on school mornings. If anything else, I need the extra pep in my step to simply cross the street. Once I crossed the street and continued along the sidewalk, which was a packed mass of humanity that appeared to be levitating off the ground, I started smiling as I thought of my Intro to Psyc lecture to the tune of a cacophony of horns honking. For all of my psyc nerds out there, (Lori, Stephanie, Kristal, Emily- to name but a few :) I decided that the amount of morning car horn honking represented a negative correlation to the size of the driver's manhood. The more times each man hit his horn, the smaller you know what. By the time these horn honking crazed Chinese finally get to work, they'll have to press on their belly button really good to find anything in their pants to relieve themselves of their morning tea! Whew! Enough said about horn honking and traffic.
THE CHINESE WAY. I only heard this phrase no less than....I don't even know how many times. Class rosters? Who needs them?! There is no computer-generated class list. The master schedule was built with post it notes on a conference room wall. I am not making this up, people- I saw it for myself. Do these people not know that there are hundreds of computer software programs available for educational administrators to build and manage their master schedules?! I mean how many computer engineers live in China for cryin' out loud?! Schedules for 4000 students are seriously done BY HAND?! Really?! I did that my first year as a guidance counselor.......back in 1989. I am not even kidding.
My first class was to have seven students. I had eight. Not one of the eight student's names I had was on the hand written list of seven names that I had been given. Interesting start to the day...
The plus side? I have beautiful state of the art technology in the classroom. 60" touch screen TVs to manipulate your lecture notes, show pictures, video clips, whatever you'd like to do with these magical touchscreens. You simply log in to the computer on the desk. That is in Chinese. To which I have no log in or ID....at least I think that is what it was asking for....first period was not going too very well. *sigh*
Books?! We don't need no stinkin' books! The first class had no books at all. "This a new class for psychology. We no have books." Well, alrighty then....I'll see what we can do about getting you some books. So I spent the hour talking about me. and sailing. and showing pictures of my kids. and videos of dolphins. and stuff. We're cool- first period and I. They love Psychology class already :)))
For my AP classes, they ordered 10 books. I need 40. I have no teacher edition of the book that I see a few kids have in their possession. Hmmm....interesting. "What book do you have?", I ask. The book I was told to get (which I did, thank you, Amazon) is not even being used. Reaalllllyyyyy....this is the book that only five of you were given? Interesting.....
So, teacher has no book. Teacher never saw this book before today. Teacher asked last year's teacher about her book. He no have book. Teacher asked department head about her book. He no have book. Teacher asked secretary about book. She no have book. In a fit of disgust Teacher asked new AP Principal about her book, and FINALLY somebody decided to, "Get right on it" (To which he did, thank you very much.)
Still, just ten students have books....of the 40 registered. So I am thinking to myself, as I try to zen out on my third cup of tea....Where's the effin' registrar?! Who's job was it to count how many books are needed?! Who ordered just 10 books?! Only 5 of the 40 students had just registered or changed their schedules just this morning. Which means (to this former guidance director, and teacher who presently has no book) that ALL SUMMER LONG Somebody, Somewhere, knew they had at least 35 students enrolled and they needed a teacher's edition to this new book. Ummmm, nope. Somebody, Somewhere ordered just 10 books. And Nobody knows who did that. Or why. So I am told, "We copy for you.". WHAT?! You're going to copy a 700 page textbook 30 times?! "Yes, we order copy for you from copy shop. You have book in tree (three- that wasn't a typo) days." Wait a minute....aren't there copyright laws in China?
What was I thinking....isn't everything bootlegged in China?! My teacher friend sitting next to me was bragging this morning about her Tom's shoes that were knock offs- "very cheap." Of course, it was very cheap- they weren't the REAL Tom's! *sigh*
Ok, so I guess Somebody, Somewhere needs to copy 30 books for me. "So, how does this work?", I ask. "Tomorrow you get book from student. We send to copy shop. In tree (three, again) days you have book. Then you give book to student and collect money for book." Wait a minute...Hold the phones....I collect the money?! Will these kids have money? How much money? Do I need to make change? Where the ef is the effin' school treasurer?! Who's job is it to take money from kids for illegally copied books?!
To think it's only mid-morning, and I've had just one cup of Cuban coffee...and three cups of tea... *sigh*
In the chaos that happens with most 'first days of school', I sure miss organization. I miss the efficiency. I miss having protocols for things. I actually miss the broken education system in America. At least we do some things well- in my experience. And before y'all get your panties in a wad over my first day of school rant, know that after the first 10 f bombs muttered under my breath, the remainder of my day was laughable, and I truly loved my first day of school. In crazy a** horn honking Beijing, China.
On to one of the more important times of day, LUNCH TIME! "We have ID card for you." "ID card open your class door." "ID card give you money for food." "We have breakfast, lunch, and supper in four buildings for you to eat." "We have convenience store for you and you can use ID card to pay for things." Veterans teachers here call it the 'free card', as everything is free. Except for today.
SOMEBODY forgot to put money on the new teacher's cards. "Give back card, we fix it for tomorrow." SOMEBODY keyed the wrong classrooms to your card. "Give back card to different person, he fix classroom for you." Great. I have a useless card. And I am a hungry hippo. And they just took my 'free card.' I think to myself, "When I find that SOMEBODY, I'm gonna whip his sorry little a**."
Thankfully, a veteran teacher took pity on us starving newbies and took us to lunch. It was delicious; and I had a heaping mound of food on my plate. I kept trying to tell the guy to stop piling the food on my plate, but it was overflowing with rice, vegetables, and some type of spicy chicken or something. It was delicious. I all but licked my plate clean. And then I was starving like a hungry hippo just three hours later. No free card, no way to get free snacks from the free convenience store. It was a looooonnnnnggggg day. Tomorrow I'm packing a PBJ. Just. in. case.
Did I mention that I inconveniently wore heels my first day of school? (first impressions and all). Well, for all the tea I drank, I had one heckuva time popping a squat over the squatting toilets...more times than I can count today. Nearly lost my balance, in heels, and fell in to the cesspool. Every. Single. Time. I then fell OUT of the stall, Every. Single. Time. And after washing my hands and drying them in my hair (thank God for long hair, no paper towels or hand dryers here) I tripped UP and out of the bathroom. Every. Single Time. In my heels. And dress. With an over active bladder. Stimulated by Cuban coffee. And tea. Lots of tea. *sigh*
At 9:00pm tonight, I am the only one still left at school. To finish with the day's potty talk, I had to pee yet again just a few minutes ago. SOMEBODY turned off all the hallway lights and bathroom lights while I have been working in my cubicle. I couldn't find a freaking wall switch anywhere. So, I go back to my office, in the dark, and in heels, and grab my iPhone, to use my flashlight app. (This girl is resourceful, afterall :) Last potty break of the day, squatting. In a dress. And heels. Holding an iPhone for a flashlight. Trying to find TP. And the pedal flush. Then falling OUT of the stall. In the dark. One last time. For today. Screw washing the hands, I'll use the hand sanitizer back at my desk. So I go tripping OUT of the bathroom. One. Last. Time. For good measure. Because God has a sense of humor, afterall :)))
The good news????
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| I'M STILL SMILING!!! |
Tomorrow has GOT to be a better day...it can only go up from here :)
Seriously, though, I have an amazing group of people to work with, and misery loves company. We're all feeling and fumbling our way through this first week, praying 'the Chinese way' eventually works itself out. In the meantime, we have beautiful homes, great jobs, awesome people to work with, the mountains from our windows (on the clear days when we can see them) and a big noisy Beijing out there just waiting on us Westerners to go explore.
Speaking of...I joined a hiking group last night; I can't wait to go stretch my legs and work up a 'proper' sweat this coming Sunday on a 13km trek! Time to meet some more friends, and to see some beautiful mountains and scenery outside of the city. Life is good, people; really- it is. G'nite, y'all!
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