Day 31- Getting okay

The days fly by, and already it is the end of another week. It's time to be thinking about what is coming up next.  It is Sunday again, and I don't know about y'all, but Sundays for me have always felt a bit stressful.  I know in my heart that it is supposed to be a day of rest.  It is the time to reflect, to get quiet with God, to spend time with family and so on.  I remember when all five kids were at home, and there was the usual rush to get out the door and to church on time.  It was such a contradiction in terms...to be heading to church to worship and be reverent with God, but the getting from here to there invariably lead to lost shoes, church clothes to iron, hair to fix, and almost always, we were running late. Too many Sundays at least some of the seven of us were upset with each other at simply trying to get ready and out the door on time.  It's one of my many regrets. Why did I allow myself to get so easily frustrated?  Why did I not make peace with myself before I started my Sunday?

Coming home from church was often not much better, because outside of the occasional Sunday afternoon nap, I would get stressed yet again in getting my home and kids in order for us to begin another week. I felt compelled to be sure we had clean clothes, that the week's menus were planned, the house was cleaned, and the kids' needs were met for their schedules and plans for the upcoming week, and so on.  The devil is in the details, they say, and I would let myself get overcome with the details. The perfectionist in me did not allow me to 'let it go' as I so often needed to do.  In the words of my wise grandmother, we often 'met each other coming and going,' In spite of the crazy busy-ness of two working parents and five active kids, I desperately wanted to hold the family together.  I wanted, and we all needed, a solid 'home base' for us all; from sharing meals together, to supporting the kids in their sports and school activities, We were largely successful, as is evidenced by the five kids who are all now successful adults in their own right. Looking back at those meal times, with no TV, and often times by candlelight- they are some of my best memories of home.  Conversations easily flowed, funny stories were told, and usually the boys led us in a round of trivia.  Good times.  I have been richly blessed by my family, no doubt.

As I sat in church this morning, I realized the pattern of stressful Sundays continues, and yet I am 13,000 miles from 'home'. I feel as if I really have no 'home' at the moment.  The kids are all grown and gone.  I have done my job as a parent, and yet, here I am, still sitting in church, stressed out at my 'to do list'. Once again, I am overcome with my own shortcomings and imperfections.  As I wait for church to begin, I am on my iPhone making a shopping list and a 'to do' list to get myself prepared for another work week. I am feeling the pressure of time to get it all done before I return to school tomorrow morning... I need groceries, my apartment needs cleaned, dishes need done, two loads of laundry need washed, I need to put the shoe rack together that I bought, and get the pile of shoes off the spare bedroom floor,  I have journals left to grade, I have no lesson plans for this week, and so on, and so on, and so on.  Sadly, this is how my mind works.  And as always, it is not physically possible for me to accomplish all of these things before midnight tonight. *sigh*

The good news is now that I know my way to church. I
found a more direct subway line. Even with two transfers, I got
there before the previous service had let out.  I was sorry I did not
capture it here, but as I walked up to the church, people were
standing in line all down the stairs, waiting for the doors
to open and for the earlier service to empty out.  They do twelve
services each Sunday, and people were waiting in line to get in?!
It's not a special Christian holiday, like Easter or Christmas?!
This is an active church, people, and definitely where I need to be :) 

I made a point to sit up close to the front, and was greeted by Pastor Wu.
It looked like we were having a guest speaker.  She looked familiar, but
I couldn't place her...

As I sat there making my lists, and stressing out, peaceful music began.
I looked up, and this is what I saw.  On the one hand, I like this idea...
a way to transition from the visiting and such, and getting ready for the
 service to begin.  On the other hand, I looked up and saw the clock ticking down
 and it was as if God was saying, "That's all you have for me, Karyn?
Just one minute and 29 seconds to sit with your Father?"
Sometimes my life lessons slap me in the face and pierce my heart.

The worship team and praise band led the full congregation in the singing.
I was happy to recognize some praise songs that we sang at MZWC.
Gospel music has always spoken to my soul.
As I let His spirit and song move me, soon all was right in my world again.

It's a good thing I attend the English service.  I can read
the music, but not the Mandarin, lol.

That's Susie Rowan, the Executive Director of Bible
Study Fellowship! I've heard her speak before; I knew she
looked familiar to me :)  This was her second visit to
Haidian Christian Church.  Her message told the story of
 Moses, from Exodus 2:1-15.  Like Moses was discovered
as a baby in a basket along the Nile River, God directs the
circumstances of our lives- to depths we are even unaware.

Her message fit seamlessly to Pastor Wu's sermon from last week. Speaking from her own experience, she said, "There is a dark side to our souls.  In solitude we can finally get quiet with God. It is where we must face ourselves and take responsibility for our lives.  This is also where we find salvation and redemption.  God will meet us in the darkness.  He will shine His light, illuminating our hearts, and once again directing our lives.  Divine providence is how God demonstrates his sovereign hand of grace and care for us.  By His hand, he protects and directs His perfect plan for us and our lives."  While my fingers furiously took notes on my iPhone, I felt like I was being spoken to personally.

She concluded with Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  And with that, the tears silently flowed yet again.  It is a verse that my Elliebug calls "her verse." Today, it felt like my verse. I spoke with Susie after the service. I shared with her that I felt like her message, and my being there, sitting front and center, was also His divine providence.  There is no such thing as a coincidence. Ever. I firmly believe that. He knew what I needed to hear today, even the painful parts, and that was okay. I was reassured that I am okay.  On the days I don't feel so okay, I trust that I will be okay, because right now, I know this is where I am supposed to be.

As I made my way back to the train station, I happened
upon this cafe, which will clearly be my new favorite
place to get lunch after church lets out.  I mean, really,
what's not to love about a ham and cheese croissant
and a delicious fruit tart?!  That's what I thought :)

And when I stepped on to the train, this cute little pixie
and her momma jumped on the train right behind me.  She was
carrying a rooster.  The cosmos know how much I hate
roosters, so I couldn't help but giggle at the irony of it all :)
I'm okay.  I really am okay.  

G'nite, y'all!