Day 543 I need connection

It's no secret that since I came back to Beijing after having spent my February winter break in FL with Len, I have been on the struggle bus.  Big time.  

Correction.  

I have been driving the struggle bus.

It got to the place, that in my weepiness I couldn't even stand myself. Len would call and I would cry. I would call my momma and cry.  I would look out my classroom window and cry.  I would drag myself back to my apartment and cry.  All that crying is so unlike me.  I usually am a suck-it-up kind of girl with a glass half full (of wine- just kidding). 

What the heck was my problem? 

For starters, I HATE to be cold. Y'all have seen my fingers, how the blood drains from my digits, even in 55 degree weather.  Beijing in the winter is soooo cold.  Damn cold.  and dark.  Long. Dark. Cold.  Days.  Having just come from the Sunshine State, I had a serious case of seasonal affective disorder kicking in high gear.

Secondly, I miss my family.

Terribly. 

I am now estranged from two of my step children since my divorce from Donnie, and it hurts my heart in ways I cannot even describe.  After 19 years of raising them, of truly being a hands-on step parent, I trusted that my relationship with them would survive a divorce.  They are adults now, with children of their own.  I explained to them that though I was divorcing their father, my love for them had not moved.  It still has not, and it has been nearly two years.  Unfortunately, it fell on deaf ears. They felt abandoned. Now, I too, feel abandoned.  It's crazy, I know, as these are MY choices.  All I can do is respect and honor their wishes, give them the space they desire, and simply pray.  I pray that one day the hurts will heal.  In the meantime, another grandchild was born on 2/26, a week after I got back to Beijing, and I now have two grandchildren I have never met.  This kills me more than you can imagine, as I am a person that values connection.  I don't let too many people in too close in my life, but for those that are, I need to feel that connection.  It's something I worked hard at as a momma, that the seven of us would feel so closely connected as a family.  I blew that all apart in having an affair, and I still struggle with forgiving myself.

My heart aches for my family.

Even with the three children I still am close to, the challenges of holding a relationship together halfway across the world and a 12 hour time difference makes it difficult at best.  Again, I know, these are all choices I have made.  I don't need to be reminded.

Next, I miss Len.  We are in a good place.  Our home is coming together beautifully.  We work well together. I really feel like we are partners.  He is patient, and kind, and generous, and just a beautiful person to me.  We have a long term plan together, that began with buying and renovating this house. We also want to sail together, and over the break we began shopping for a bigger sailboat.  I want to be about it, but I cannot, and that brings me to the last reason for my funk....

I signed on for another year in Beijing.  I got an incredible raise- too good to pass up.  I tell myself it's for my retirement...it's for the sailboat...it's for my future plans...but money does not soothe a hurting soul.  Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I genuinely enjoy the kids I teach, the people I work with, and some days I enjoy the life of traveling and living abroad.  But in the last several weeks, it is simply not enough.  

And then....

...this happened.  My laptop crashed on a Friday.  I only
 teach two periods on Fridays, so it is my work day-
to catch up on grading, attendance, and prepare
lesson plans for the upcoming week.  I was
dead in the water all morning, while these guys
attempted to bring it back to life.  

I went to lunch hoping that my computer would be up
and running, and that I could salvage the afternoon.
The pollution was on the rise on my way to the
canteen, choking out the sun's rays. I felt sorry
for the sun, and I felt sorry for myself.  And once
again, I could feel the tears welling up within me.

I walked a different route back to the library, and
saw the carvings on these rocks for the first time.
It says, "Of Thee I Sing," as in 'My Country tis
of Thee'.  So I sang every word to the song I
learned back in the fourth grade- through my 
pollution mask....and then the tears spilled over.

By the time I got back from lunch, the techs had
called for reinforcements, the head honcho, Sun Hao.
Where he came from is a mystery to me, as there was
an email two weeks ago from him announcing his
departure to another job.  They must have waved
more money in front of him and got him to stay, too.
At least I was hopeful that he could save my laptop.
It was powered up, which it wouldn't even do before.
(and no, I had not backed anything up, either.)

A whole afternoon was spent sitting and doing nothing,
except staring out my window at the rising pollution.  

By the end of the day, the AQI was over 350.  We had a
field trip scheduled for the following morning that was
looking like it was going to get cancelled. Another man
 came to my room after the school day and said that he
must take my laptop and work on it overnight. The tears
spilled for the second time that day, at the thought of an 
entire day, and now evening, wasted.  The poor guy,
he didn't know what to do with the crying laowai on his hands!

You see, the issue just wasn't that my laptop had crapped out, and that I was stressed about losing all of my files, or that I had a completely unproductive day at work. The technology issues had been brewing all week long here in the 'jing.  The previous weekend, we received this bit of news...

There were two weeks of political meetings which resulted in just about all internet usage coming to a screeching halt.  The internet is our lifeline to the Western world...to stay in touch with friends and family back home, to facetime, email, Skype, facebook, to stream movies, listen to music, and such. Most all of these things require a working VPN or you cannot get around the Great Firewall of China. Apple products were useless, as their ability to connect with a VPN is even worse.  So in addition to not having a working laptop, my iPad and iPhone were dead in the water, too.  Not being able to call my mom, especially, nearly sent me over the edge. She (chooses) to sit in her assisted living apartment and not go anywhere, so she has come to count on my phone calls every 2-3 days. She does not have the internet, and I can only call her through Google or Skype. Neither of these was working, due to the 'political meetings', so it was already a week since we last spoke. 

By the time I got home from school,
I was essentially a prisoner in my own
home because of the SUCKY AIR, and
having no means of entertainment.  I took
 a shower, cried in the shower for the third time
 that day, and then gave up and went to bed.

The wind blew all night long, and thankfully it blew the pollution
out as well.  Our field trip for Saturday was still on (but that is
another blog :)  I was just happy to see blue sky and mountains.

I got back from the field trip late Saturday afternoon, and my laptop was on my desk.  I took it home with me, and planned to work Saturday evening and all day Sunday to get ready for the coming week. I limped along at best.  Files were missing.  Teacher software was missing. And I still had no internet, as we were only at the end of the first week of the 'political meetings.'  It was not one of my better weekends in Beijing.

By Sunday evening, as I looked out my window from my bed,
the pollution was rolling in yet again. It was not the 'great start
to a new week' that I desperately needed to have. 

On Monday, I did my best to teach, but my computer crashed again.  I got it back late in the day on Monday, and took it home trying to prepare my lessons for the remainder of the week.  I also had two exams to write and no teacher software to do it.  The bright spot was the head tech agreed to put the school's VPN on my iPhone so I could at least call my mom from school. (By this point it had been 10 days since we last spoke.) Getting the school's VPN on my phone was a plus for me, but not so much for her. By the time I finally got a hold of her, I spent the whole conversation crying.  She offered to buy out my contract so I could fly home.  That was a very generous offer, but not what I really needed.  My psyche could not take another 'quitting' or 'failure' on my part. On the other hand, it made her feel good to know that her 52 year old daughter still needs her from time to time. I do love my momma. 

I attempted to do some school work at home Monday night, but wound up writing a list of thirteen things that were still wrong with my laptop- the least of which the Microsoft Word program was all in Chinese.  You see, my theory is the reason my computer started crashing is that it was installing automatic updates last week.  All of our software is naturally bootlegged, so I am sure the software updates were incompatible. That thought alone (as to WHY my computer kept crashing) could set me on another rant...

Tuesday they fixed the list of thirteen issues.  Still others cropped up.  By Wednesday, the laptop crashed for a THIRD TIME. Now when I say 'crashed' I mean it wouldn't even power up. Nothing. Not even a hiss or a whimper. 

I WAS OVER IT.  

While I was teaching on Wednesday, they
were performing surgery on my laptop, in my
 classroom, and it was not looking good.

They stitched her closed, and declared
"It's okay now."  Except that it wasn't.
It would power up, but it wouldn't connect to
 the Smartboard or the school's VPN.
They took my laptop overnight for the third time.

I went home to my apartment, for another QUIET evening, cut off from every one and every thing.  I had a fitful sleepless night, and by Thursday morning, I was done in.  I went to my principal's office and LOST MY SHIT.  I had been dealing with computer and VPN issues for nearly two weeks, and I could not take it any longer.  I couldn't do my job without the proper resources at my fingertips (even recording attendance and the electronic grade book is, of course, on line).  I told my boss if I did not have a working computer by the end of the day (amidst hiccuping sobs) I was buying a plane ticket home that weekend and never looking back.  I was ready to walk away from it all.  I gave zero f***s about any of it.  I didn't even care to pack a suitcase.  I wanted the ef out of China, and he knew it.

I scared him.

He said he would have a working computer for me if he had to go on his lunch hour to buy one himself.

Well, the long and the short of it is that was now over two weeks ago.  I am using a loaner laptop from the school that is at least five years old, but everything I need is loaded onto it.  Everything was back up and running just in time to prepare midterm exams. The political meetings ended, and after another week or so, the VPNs resumed working without serious frustration.  I have no idea what has become of my laptop, if it will ever reappear or not.  At this point, I don't even care.  I just need to stay connected, and as of late that has been very difficult to do.

And that, my friends, is the most difficult part of living abroad- trying to feel like you are still connected to the friends and family you left behind back home.  It takes incredible effort, and I get discouraged when I feel like it is a one way street- uphill.  When you throw in all the extra layers of crap like 12 hour time zone differences, VPN issues, political meetings, bootleg software, and Chinese computers, just to name a few....it has been a challenge to find my happy place.

I'm working on it.

Stay tuned.

G'nite, y'all :-)