Day 749-759 my momma

I was at school.  My students were taking an exam.  It was 2:00pm in the afternoon, and my phone started blowing up.  Something inside of me JUST KNEW.

Two hours earlier I was walking back from lunch across the school campus.  It was a beautiful blue sky day, in the mid-80's, but I felt a heaviness in my heart.  My friend Duong stopped to ask me how I was doing.  I started crying.  I just felt out of sorts.  Now it seems clear to me why.  My momma and I were exceptionally close, connected in an intuitive sort of way, just as my Grandma and I had been, too.  Her end on this earth was drawing near, and somewhere deep inside, I felt it.

Less than four weeks before, I had spoken to my momma for the last time.  I called her the night before I was due to fly back to Beijing.  I had just been up to Indiana about two weeks before that, and we had a lovely visit.  All seemed well at the time.  She was anxious to start chemo again, anxious in a "let's just get this over with" kind of way. She had her first treatment earlier that week and was feeling the usual tired, but nothing out of the ordinary.  No pain.  No nausea.  

She always said she felt bad telling people she had (non-Hodgkins lymphoma) cancer, because she thought she was one of the "lucky" ones.  She didn't want people to feel sorry for her.  Outside of losing her hair the first time, she always sailed right through treatments- never even threw up once. When she would get her chemo treatments, she felt badly at how sickly the other patients appeared. It hurt her heart, she said, but that was my momma. 

So, on what was to be our last conversation, I refused to say 'good bye for now' to Mom that last night in Florida.  I told her I had a long layover in Dallas, and she could keep me company on the phone.  We made plans for me to call the following morning.  

I called. 

and called. 

and called. 

For three hours in Dallas I called.  I never got through.  I called my brother before I boarded.  He was at school.  I left a message for him to also call Mom, as I couldn't get through.  By the time I landed in Beijing and got my phone sorted out, I learned that Mom had passed out and laid on the floor of her apartment for nearly 18 hours.  My sister in law found her.  She was taken to the hospital, dehydrated and disoriented.  After five days, she showed little improvement, not because she didn't seem capable, she just had given up.  She insisted on going to the nursing home.  I thought maybe the episode being in her apartment alone had frightened her, and that was why she was being so uncooperative in the hospital. Upon her insistence, the doctor finally agreed to sign the order for admittance to the nursing home. He told her that it was for 'rehabilitation'- to build her strength up and to get her back home with her cat, Sammy.  

She had no interest at all in ever going back to her apartment. 

To every request made by the hospital staff, and then the nursing home staff, she responded with, "I can't."  I won't." "I'm tired." "Maybe later." or "You can't make me." 

Less than two weeks later, she was gone. 

Truth be told, she willed herself to die.  I really believe that is what happened.  For the life of me, I still don't understand why.

The bigger problem for me was that I was never able to talk with mom again, not since I had left Florida on August 17th. At first she didn't have her cell phone with her in the hospital.  When she got settled into the nursing home, Kent took her the phone.  

It was charged.

The volume was up.  

It was by her bed stand. 

He could see that I had called repeatedly.  I called day and night from Beijing, for nearly 10 days straight. I was making myself sick with worry in not being able to talk with her.  The heaviness in my heart at not being able to speak with her was literally weighing me down. 

Since I moved to Beijing over two years ago, I made a point to call my momma every third day. Now it had been three weeks, which was very unusual for us. The truth is, she simply would not answer her phone.  Given the 12 hour time difference, I could never time my calls when Kent happened to be at the nursing home visiting her.  Kent told me that when he showed her the "restricted" calls on her phone and explained to her that those were calls from me in China, she responded with, "I know."

Kent said to me, "I'm sorry, Karyn. I don't know what to say."

When my phone started blowing up on September 14th, I just knew, too.

I collapsed.  I was completely undone with grief.  I barely remember walking home from school. Duong happened to be on the 6th floor looking for me, at the very moment I was sobbing on the phone with Len. She said she was worried about me when she had seen me at lunch, and she felt the need to check on me to see if my afternoon had gotten any better.  

It hadn't.  It was far worse than I ever could have imagined.

She walked with me home to my apartment. I vaguely recall having to stop several times.  I just couldn't put one foot in front of the other.  I have never been so wrecked.  I was completely undone. Ale and Duong stayed with me for many hours; I couldn't be left alone. I have never felt so alone since I have been in China than I did that day. With their help and encouragement, I booked a flight back to Indiana. It felt like I had just got settled in with a new school year underway, and now I was having to take to the skies already. I dreaded the flight home. 

I had to wait until the weekend to get out of Beijing, which was probably okay.  I needed the next 48 hours to pull myself together for the long haul home. I hate flying halfway across the world under the best of circumstances.  With the very best connections, I am still looking at a minimum of 18 hours of travel; it's usually more. I have since lost track of the days, but I know that after I landed in Indianapolis, and once Ellen flew in from Ft. Myers, the girls and I drove up north to Monon to Mom's apartment.  My niece, Kristal, met us there.  

There is always an upside to a death in the family, and that is it brings the family all together.  

We girls were all blessed with some strong Kiester genes <3

Honestly, as difficult as it was being back in her apartment without her, it was good, too.  The first order of business was to go through ALL of mom's scrapbooks...I joked that there was 5,432 lbs of scrapbooks.  There were at least thirty books in all.  I had just went through each and every one of them with Mom and we reminisced over them not four weeks before.  It seemed surreal to be sitting there in her apartment and doing it all over again, only this time her chair was empty.

Ellie put them all in chronological order, dating back to the early 1990's, and we went through every book- page by page.  We disassembled every scrapbook, and made piles of scrapbook pages.  Our goal was to reassemble them into each person's special memories, as they had been documented by Mom. We made books for all of the most important people in her life.  In the end, each of my five kids got a book, my brother and I each got a book, my niece and nephew got a book, Mom's older sister got a book, her high school classmates got five books of her years at Goshen High School (class of 1952!), and her 'gang' of girlfriends from Nappanee also got a book.

Lastly, Brianna, the little neighbor girl who lived in the house between Mom and I, also got a book. Brianna is now a senior in high school. It was so special to see Miss Bri, all grown up, and at Mom's funeral. I was really happy to be able to give her a book of her childhood memories. Through a sad turn of events, Bri was eventually taken from her biological family, placed in foster care, and adopted by the most incredible family from our small community.  I know Bri had very little, if anything, left from her early childhood years.  Mom saw to it that the happier times of her early years in life were all documented...playing dress-up, having tea parties, playing with Mom's kitties, sitting in Mom's flower garden, celebrating the holidays, and sailing on our boat- these were all photographed and placed in scrapbooks.  We found all of those pages in the books spanning several years, and put them into a book especially for her.

You see, that is who my momma was- the kindest, most generous, most gentle, loving, and thoughtful person I have ever known.  Over the years, my momma kept all of her grandkid's school papers, art projects, newspaper clippings, and photos- thousands of photos- which all went in to her scrapbooks.  

What a gift of love those scrapbooks turned out to be.

For all of us.

The girls laughed at their hairstyles, and the "Cosby" sweaters...

...and we laughed at Ellie's 'Turkey Day' story from 3rd grade :)

We came across this gem, taken at Grandma's 100th birthday party...

...and this photo of the cousins sitting in the "teddy bear chair"
at Great Grandma's 'dollhouse' in Lake Eufala, OK.

We got through most of Mom's personal things
on our first day together. After a verrrry long day, I was
completely worn out. It felt good to be in my big brother's arms.

We went out to dinner with Kent, and when the waitress brought
the check, the girls swooped in and took it right of their
Uncle Kent's hands- they were so pleased with themselves, lol.

The next morning was Mom's funeral.  The sun was just
coming up, and the sky sure looked beautiful- heavenly, really.

I have to admit it felt good to be "Back Home Again in Indiana."

I stood outside the funeral home for the longest time with my oldest
and dearest friend(s) in the world, Wanetta, and her husband, Greg.
I just couldn't bring myself to walk through the front door.
When I saw the beautiful flowers on her casket, it was unbearable.
My only request for Mom's funeral was stargazer lilies, as she and I
planted beautiful flower gardens in every home we both ever
lived in.  Digging in the dirt and pulling weeds was our therapy,
and stargazer lillies were my momma's favorite flowers of all. We 
had stargazer lilies in both of our flower gardens. In addition, my
momma was a lady through and through; she loved the color pink.
She collected pink depression class, cranberry cut glass, all
things Victorian and lace, and every flower, in every shade of pink.

The funeral setting was perfect...and beautiful...as she will
forever be in my eyes.  She looked so, so pretty in pink.

The finishing touch to her bouquet of flowers were the ribbons; Mom, Nana (as my brother's
kids called her) and Grandma, as my girls called her.  She was Grandma ShooHoo to be exact.
Mom always knocked on my front door and came on in the house.  She would call out, "You who, is anybody home?"  The little girls would come running, "Grandma ShooHoo!!!" The name stuck :)

My momma's oldest and dearest friend from
high school came down for her funeral.  That
was such a surprise to see Patsy.  She is a
beautiful woman, like my momma.  Ironically,
she is a 'snowbird' in Ft. Myers, FL, not
far from where my home is near LaBelle, FL.
I can't wait to look her up when I am back in
Florida this winter.  I gave Patsy all of Mom's
scrapbooks from their high school years.

These are "my people"; my youngest, Ellie, my niece, Kristal, and my oldest, Emily.

After the service in Monon, where Mom's friends and relatives
from northern Indiana could attend, we then drove south to
New Castle, Indiana, where Mom and I lived for over 25
years.  She was to be buried there, next to Harlan.

I have the most incredible friendship with my ex-husband, Todd, my daughter's father. Todd
never failed to call his ex mother-in-law on her birthday, and he and my brother Kent still get together at least once or twice a year to catch up.  I was moved beyond words when Todd asked me if he could host a gathering at his home after the graveside service. He knew that I am presently 'homeless' in Indiana, but that I would likely have wanted to have a place and opportunity to reconnect with people from New Castle during my short stay there from Beijing. That is the awesome kind of person he is, and the special relationship we still have to this day.  I could never thank him enough for being there for me, his ex-wife, on my darkest day.  I will love him forever for the generosity displayed to me.Thank you Todd, and all of the Thalls, for your love and support.

These two ladies, literally held me up.
I am so blessed to have TWO best friends,
who have known me all of my adult life.
In spite of my shortcomings, they love
me anyhow.  Wanetta and Susan, I love you
both to the moon and back again <3

I love everything about this photo- (Uncle) Todd with his daughters, my niece and what
technically are his great nieces and nephews by his ex wife... and flying the W from his
house... and Ernie Banks trying to get in the photo, too- this pic makes my heart happy.

The BEST big brother a little
sister could ever hope for- seriously.

My lovelies- the best two things Todd and I did right :)

This girl....I. can't. even.  She knows
the special place she has in her
Aunt Karyn's heart. So much love there.

  

No day would be complete without a golf cart ride around the neighborhood with Uncle Todd!

I went back to the cemetery the following day
to see where momma was laid to rest next to Harlan.
I sat on the grass, had a good cry, and sang
to my momma.  I sang every gospel song
I could think of...for the both of us.

As I sat on the ground and looked across the way,
I was struck that it was nearly the very same view
from Mom's flower garden in her backyard. She
would sit on her swing, look across the field,
beyond the corn stalks, and watch for deer to
come out of the woods at dusk.  She has a
perfect view from her final resting place.

The day after the funeral, I drove to Indianapolis to pick up Len.
He couldn't be there with me earlier in the week as he is teaching
in the classroom at FSWC this fall.  However, what I really
needed most was Len's help in emptying out Mom's apartment. I
dreaded that job, but it was the best way for me to be able to
help my brother while I was home from China. Kent also is a high
school teacher, and he had to return to teaching right away.

Kent rented a UHaul, and Len was great at planning and organizing.
We gave many things to Mom's neighbors. Some specific things
we held back and moved to storage for myself and the grandkids,
 and we took the rest to Goodwill.  It was so strange to go through
 all of Mom's things, her entire life, in a matter of ten hours or so.
I felt terrible about it, but Len was my rock. When all was said and
 done, we met Kent and Kathy for dinner at Mom and Grandma's
favorite restaurant in Monticello. We toasted them both with a cocktail :)
It feels bizarre for Kent and I to be the oldest living family members now.

My nephew got some of Mom's living room furniture, Kent took
Mom's bedroom furniture for his guest bedroom in his home in
Branson, and my niece took her Nana's dining room furniture.
She has a beautiful new home that she and her husband Eric
built last year, but when you walk into her dining room, it is like
walking in to Mom's (her Nana's) house....

...antiques, depression glass, angel
prints, and all.  My mom and dad's
engagement photo sits on the table <3

The day after momma died, I was still in Beijing,
and Ellie, my youngest, lives in Ft. Myers, FL,
where she works as a news reporter.  She sent me
this selfie as she was getting ready for work.  She
had bought this dress months before, but never
wore it, because she wasn't sure she really liked
it.  It was a pinkish-coral color, and all lace.
She texted me, "Mom, I look like a giant doily!"
and we both laughed...the color and the lace
is exactly what her Grandma ShooHoo loved.
After a very short sleepless night in her time
zone, just hours after her Grandma ShooHoo's
death, Ellie was dressed perfectly in her memory.

My sister in law, Kathy, picked out the cardinal
for Momma's memory folder.  It was also perfect,
as mom always had bird feeders, bird books,
and binoculars by her dining room window.
Cardinals were her favorite, and her Christmas
tree was filled with Victorian and cardinal ornaments-
both were some of momma's favorite things.

The day after momma died, on a grief-filled sleepless night in Beijing,
I wrote this poem, and Kent included it in her memory folder.

At Kent's request, I wrote Momma's obituary, too.  She was truly an incredible, Godly woman.
She lived her life well, and touched so many people's lives.  I miss her terribly, still, and I will love her forever.  She was the best momma a little girl could ever hope for- seriously, she was.

Rest in Heaven, Momma.

Esther Lucille (Smith) Kiester
February 25, 1934- September 14, 2016