China Day 621 #laowaistrong

I have several more blogs 'in the can' from when the grandchildren visited.  I will get to them in the coming days, as I have a 'light teaching week' ahead as the school year is beginning to wind down.

For those who follow me on facebook, you know that the minute Stephanie, Ava, and Eli left, I went to the hospital to get my problematic knee attended to.  I injured it hiking the Great Wall in the pouring rain, slipping and sliding for 6.5km, though I never did fall down.  In hindsight, it probably would have been better to have fallen down than to repeatedly 'jerk' myself into staying upright.  A full week of touring and traveling in and around Beijing following the initial injury made matters worse, as 'ain't nobody got time for (that)'; to simply rest and let the knee heal on its own. I tweaked my knee repeatedly, continued walking 20k steps or more daily, which in the end left me with a Grade 2 sprained lateral collatoral ligament (LCL).  Thankfully, there were no tears (Grade 3), and the MCL and ACL were still intact. I just had a significant amount of pain and swelling.  I was given crutches, and instructions to PRICE; Protect, Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevate.

I have followed those instructions to the letter, much to my chagrin, as I am not a person who likes to be incapacitated in any way.  I can tell you this much, our school campus, and Beijing itself, has never felt so BIG.  My armpits are in the twilight zone, but my knee is much better already.  The swelling is all but gone, and I nearly have full range of motion.  I am cheating a bit, and began to bear some weight on it around my apartment in the last day or two. It definitely is getting stronger. I was to be on crutches for two weeks, and I will reach that goal by this Wednesday.

Len arrives Friday morning :-)

I won't be running any marathons by next weekend, but I hope that I will be able to ride my bike to school once again, and to enjoy the simple pleasures of going to the grocery and running errands for myself.  I have received a tremendous amount of support from many of my teacher friends.  It has been overwhelming, really.  In fact, it moves me to tears as I type this.

In my adult life, I have always been the caregiver, the nurturer, the helper.  I know many of you, women especially, can relate to this. That has been my role in both my personal and professional life. It is my comfort zone, for sure, to be of help and service to others. It has been humbling for me to accept the offers of help, and to be courageous enough to ask for help these last two weeks.  These are more of the life lessons that I will take with me when I one day leave China.

When I returned to school on crutches, I was still in the "I can do it my own big self" mentality.  It's a damn long trip down the hallway (on slippery marble floors) to get coffee, fill my water bottle, make copies, run an errand, or to use the bathroom.  I brought an extra bag with me to carry on my back, and like the old days of waitressing, I wouldn't make a trip down the hall until I could take care of many tasks at once, in order to save steps. Well, I can't always time when I have to pee, lol, so in spite of my best efforts, I was schlepping down the hallway on crutches at least 8-10 times a day. By day's end I was completely worn out.  I would get home from school, throw something together for dinner (lots of Ramen noodles in the last week), grab an ice pack, and I was in bed by 6pm. I just couldn't take another step.

In spite of many teachers offering to help, I didn't take them up on their offer.  It's not my nature, but I thanked them for their kindness.  Deanna brought me super cold icepacks to use at school, Rob brought me cookies, and others dropped by my classroom to check on me or simply say 'hello'.  It wasn't until the third day, that my friend Ale, got through to me. In the words of Ale, she was feeling mad (at me) that I wouldn't allow her to help.  I hadn't considered that before; I simply didn't want to 'bother' anyone. She would hear me schlepping down the hall, passing by her room, and she popped up from her desk and came running in to the hall to confront me.  Her gentle way of saying 'stop it, Karyn'- let me help you- finally broke through.

Tom also came to my class to check on me, and he told my students, 'if Miss Karyn needs something, it is your responsibility to get it for her while she is on crutches.' While it was uncomfortable at first to accept their offers, slowly I did. I was eventually able to ask them without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. Students filled my water bottle, others got my much needed morning coffee, teachers or others students picked up my copies from the copy machine, and Kathy made a run to the 'free store' on campus to get me some much needed groceries and toilet paper!

As I have laid on the couch, or in bed, with my knee iced and elevated, it has given me lots of time for reflection.  Some of that has been good...I have prayed more, thought deep thoughts, and simply tried to find peace in the moment.  Too much time in one's own head, though, can also be that- just too much. I have had dark thoughts, too, fraught with anxiety and worry over things I can do nothing about, namely things in my past, but some have been about my present long distance relationship with a man I love who lives halfway across the world.

I have thought back to the 50+ years I have tried to be 'super woman'- super mom, super wife, super counselor, super teacher, super daughter, super sister, super aunt, super friend, super housekeeper, super cook, super team mom, super school club sponsor, super holiday planner, super vacation planner, super gardener, super birthday party host, and the list goes on and on.  I wore myself out, many, many times.  In my fatigue, I would lose my temper over the stupid little things, ("Pick your damn stuff up off the staircase and take it to your room, NOW!) simply because I was exhausted from trying to do it all...

...because I wasn't asking for the much needed help.  How many times did I go about it all the wrong way?  More than I care to admit.  It has broken me several times over in the last week to think back on these times.

I kept this pace up all my adult life, living on the promise of "a new day to start over" as my grandma taught me.  I would try the next day all over again to be the super mom, wife, professional, etc., and to do it perfectly. I was always driven by the need for perfection, when I should have been driven by love.  Why, I ask myself now?  The need for perfection was the driving force in my life, and it was fueled by a need for control.  These were deeply ingrained wounds and sickening motivations learned as a child who grew up in an alcoholic home. Being a perfect daughter still did not stop dad's drinking or abuse.  Trying to keep order in my world, to gain some semblance of control- for a situation (alcoholism) that was completely beyond my control- has motivated me all my life.

Even now, when my stress reaches a peak, in a fit of anxiety and despair, the first thing I do is tear in to my home.  In an effort to 'get control' I begin with scrubbing, cleaning, and doing laundry like a mad woman.  My kids learned to stay away from me then I was in a cleaning frenzy. Once my physical environment is under control, I can begin to relax, problem solve, and cope with whatever stressors I am facing.  This has been my M.O. all my life.  It has been exhausting; and sickening really.

Why couldn't I simply ask for help in those times of need?

I could have worked my way back to happy much more easily if I had simply asked for help.  I would have had more time for the enjoyable family pleasures. Instead, my dark moods and cleaning frenzies would distance me from the ones I loved and cherished the most. I lost myself, and lost my way so many times.  I have lost two marriages, in part, because of it.

Sometimes I simply have to stop myself in looking back.

So then I turn my thoughts toward the future.

I have another year of living abroad.  Some days I think I don't have it in me to do it.  I hate being apart from friends and family.  Being in a long distance relationships can really suck.  But I remind myself that I am strong, I am brave, I am courageous, and I can do anything I set my mind to.  I have proven that to myself over and over in my life.

Deep down, I know this experience of living in China is changing me.  I feel it.

So, I remain a work in progress. I hope some of the lessons I take with me is I don't have to do it all, I don't have to be perfect, and it really is okay to ask for help.  Those who love you feel somewhat cheated when you don't allow them to help you.  It's what love does; it both gives and takes.

Thank you Ale, and all of my friends here, for showing me that.

Thank you God, for putting this stubborn woman flat on her back so she can have her eyes opened to the lessons You need for her to learn.

In the words of my friend Carlos, who has faithfully taken me to and from school on his electric scooter every day, even when it means leaving early and staying late, our small community of expat teachers is #laowaistrong.  Thank God for #laowaistrong, because when you are stripped of friends, family, and familiarity in choosing a life abroad, you discover your faith and what you really are made of- the good, bad, and ugly.  While I have had to face my ugly, and am trying to make peace with it once again, I realize I am surrounded by much good in the world....

...right here in China...in Beijing...just little ol' me, from rural Indiana, now in a city of 23+million.

#laowaistrong

I am getting stronger every day.

G'nite, y'all!