Day 797 Yearning for the familiar

I have been driving the struggle bus as of late, for reasons I am not entirely ready to go in to detail.

Maybe it is because I am still in the throws of grief, maybe it was because I was "Back Home in Indiana" a few weeks ago, or maybe because it is fall- one of my favorite times of year.  Whatever the case may be, I have been yearning for all things familiar.  I see the FB posts of the CUBS race to clinch the pennant, the posts of high school football games, the trips to the apple orchard, pumpkin patch, and evenings around a bonfire....man, have I felt homesick.  In spite of a few boxes of Mac n' Cheese in the last couple weeks alone, whenever I get a 'taste of home' in Beijing, beyond the smile and happy dance, I literally FEEL myself become rejuvenated.  And when THAT happens, I feel like

I'm going to be okay,

I can do this thing,

and I WILL get back to being the happiest girl in China once again.

It's just always in the getting from here to there.  The struggle is real.

The last 24 hours I have been flooded with tastes of home, and my spirit soars once again.

a FOR REAL chocolate milkshake- oh my goodness gracious!

My friend Robert, has gone way above and beyond the call of 'friend duty' in the last month since Mom died.  He always has been my 'go to guy' to get my technologically impaired self out of a phone, iPad, or computer jam.  However, this man knows me, and he gets me, without me having to ask. 

He knows I am a caregiver and a nurturer at heart.  He also knows I am an introvert at heart. As such, when it comes to my needing help, he knows it is not my nature to ask.  Yet, he has magically appeared at my door, or in my classroom at the very moment I have needed someone- with chocolate or Cheerios in hand, or a shoulder to cry on. What a treasured friend.

Well, both of our passports are expiring soon, so we needed an appointment at the US Embassy to get them renewed.  He suggested we go together, as he had a special surprise in mind...

 

Near the US Embassy is a Fatburger- it was just the
'taste of home' I was needing.  Just walking in the place,
smelling all the good smells, and hearing for real
burgers sizzling on the grill, I broke into the
biggest grin.  It was the first real happiness
I felt in some time.  I was like a kid at Christmas
waiting on my burger and sweet potato fries.
I broke in to a happy dance, and we both laughed.

As we approached the US Embassy, I was blown away by the
nearly block long line of Chinese waiting to get in.  All
were there to apply for Visas to visit the United States-
either for business, vacation, to see universities, or
visit friends and family who have relocated there.
It was very humbling...and a reminder that we ARE
still the greatest nation in the world- look at all
who are trying to get in- by whatever means available.

Robert tells me that these long lines are there
every day of the week the Embassy is open.
What was even more humbling is that applying
for a Visa to go to the US is a family event here.
Throngs of family members waited by the gate
outside, in support and in anticipation, while their
 loved ones went through the application process.  
It's the Chinese way.
Going to the doctor is a family event, too. In some
respects, that strong sense of family is lovely, really.
On the other hand, all of that loving support comes 
with a high price, too, in the form of high expectations.

In the ACS (American Citizen Services) line,
many expats were there filling out their absentee
ballot- exercising their right to vote from halfway
across the world.  I wish apathetic Americans at
home could see this right and privilege in action.
All of the world is definitely watching the US election.
For me, to be in the US Embassy yesterday, and to see
 citizens turning in their voting ballots, it was another
'taste of home' I desperately needed to feel.

Wrapping up this week has meant I am getting closer to digging myself out of the mound of grading that was created in my absence for mom's funeral.  To return to the US for mom's funeral meant I missed eight instructional days.  I spent 11 hours at school the day before my flight took off to leave detailed lesson plans, activities, lecture notes, and exams for my subs so that the kids would remain engaged and on target.  I was not asked, or required to do this, it is just in my DNA. I know I put way more pressure on myself to excel in the classroom, more than any administrator ever has expressed to me.  If I had dropped everything to fly home without preparing a thing for my students, my administrators would have completely understood.  As I mentioned earlier, 'Family is first' in the Chinese culture.  To be this far away from home when your family is in crisis just amps up the stress response.  They understood this, and I am so appreciative to Cameron, Mark, and Betty for their kindness and support this last month. Suffice it to say that my stress and grief has been compounded by my need for perfectionism in my job. My brother, Kent, and I are cut from that same cloth.  He was freaked out for missing two days of school for Mom's funeral, as he just couldn't fall behind in his teaching. I think he got a double dose of perfectionism genes, or we both are simply that anal, lol.

In my defense, I am bound by an external assessment.  My kids are all being prepped for taking the AP Psychology Exam. Passing with a 4 or 5 on this exam means they will earn three college credits for PSYC 101 while still in high school, and receive the strong favor of their parents, Chinese teachers, and academic advisers.  Keep in mind that I am teaching my Chinese babies the very same content as I did at the university level before coming to BNDS, and they are attempting a college level course as a non English native speaker.

To give you a proper frame of reference on the difficulty level, 'psychology' doesn't translate to the Chinese language or culture very well, particularly once you leave the historical roots of psychology in philosophy.  In fact, psychology is a relatively new course of study at the university level here.  It is often very misunderstood- perceived as something magical or mystical, and not at all grounded in scientific research. Yet, my kids are plowing through a 769 page textbook full of English words they have never seen, nor for which they have the Chinese vocabulary to equate.

Even though the school year goes until the first of July, my kids must be done by the third week of April.  That leaves us one week of review time, and they sit the AP the first day of the two week College Board testing window in May.  Psychology is always up first; the first Monday in May.  This is why I tell my kids that this course is both a marathon as well as a sprint to the finish. They rise to the occasion, though.  Last year's group scored an average 4.57 on the AP.  Unbelievable.

I am blown away by my kid's diligence and discipline to take AP Psychology as an ESL student. It requires a Herculean effort on their part, and these kids give, and give, and give of themselves academically- nearly dropping to the point of exhaustion.  As a Momma K, I worry for my Chinese babies all the time.  They feel such tremendous pressure to succeed, and the pressure of being an 'only', that their teenage lives are terribly 'out of balance'- from a mental health and wellness perspective.  I do my best to bring brevity to the seriousness of their academic lives by trying to be my energetic, positive, silly self when I teach.

For me personally, that is been a real struggle given my circumstances as of late. With heavy doses of caffeine I can 'turn it on' for my lessons, but I am left exhausted and having trouble concentrating or even following a train of thought to keep up with the lesson planning and grading. I live my life quite transparently, and I am hoping that in spite of my present limitations, they are learning about life beyond the school books, by walking along with me in this season of grief.  Their display of empathy has been remarkable.  Such incredible kids, my Chinese babies.

This is how a Chinese baby takes an exam...
no less than five writing instruments and
correction tape on their desk.  God love 'em <3

And this is how a struggling laowai spends her Saturday
grading all of those exams.  Coffee in the mug given to her
by her daughter, Emily, which says "Keep Calm and
Sail On" and listening to Jack Johnson and Norah Jones
 on Pandora.  Whatever it takes ....this is the weekend to
finally get caught up- at least I hope I can get caught up.

And while I continue to yearn for all things familiar, after
finishing our business at the Embassy yesterday, Robert
took me to a market which had many imported foods.  While
this isn't a Ricker pop with crushed ice, Coke Zero, and a squirt
of vanilla... Oh. My. God. it tastes so good right now!
I pray it keeps me tied to my desk until these tests are all
graded and recorded.  Tomorrow I am scheduled for a hike
to the Ming and Ding Tombs.

Stay tuned- G'nite, y'all!