Day 551 Friends weekend

I must remind myself, that in the midst of feeling blue, I am surrounded by good people- good students, good coworkers, and good friends.  While I long for the days with my family, this close knit group of people "us Westerners", from all parts of the globe, have become my surrogate family.

After two frustrating weeks of China blues,
VPN blues, and computer blues, my hiking
buddy Hank suggested we go to dinner on
Friday night for some delicious Indian food.
Had it not been for him, I would have returned
my silent apartment once again.  We had a
lovely dinner at my favorite restaurant,
Ganges.  They got our order mixed up and we
ended up with more food than we could manage!
Thank you, Hank, for coming to my rescue :)

On Saturday, I went and ran errands, got groceries
and such. Though there is still a chill in the air,
seeing fresh pineapples being sold on the streets
lets me know that spring will eventually arrive.

Next up, I must share with you my friend, Robert.  He and I have a 'Keys connection', as he is from Key Largo. We can commiserate about the cold weather, and the pollution, and dream of better days that include palm trees, beaches and salty smells in the air. Robert is a music director here, and we share a love of music.  His last name is Sax, and his instrument of choice is the saxophone :-)  He has tried several times to get me to pick the trumpet back up and sit in with his jazz band.  I have yet to acquiesce. He also is a whiz bang with anything technologically related.  When my iPhone does stupid things (not me, mind you- it's the iPhone's fault!) he never makes me feel stupid with his superior knowledge.  He quietly fixes the issue, and makes it all better.  In the midst of the VPN and computer catastrophes, he came to my rescue more times than I can count.  He brought me his laptop to use the first weekend I was without one.  He made sure Skype was working from his computer so I could call my momma.  He put a second VPN on my phone as a back up, since Astrill was shut down by the governmental meetings. He even came bearing cheerios, chocolates, and a shoulder I literally cried on when I was in the midst of the storm. He does this all with patience, and kindness, and grace in ways that words cannot adequately describe.  He knows I am not one to easily ask for help, so he offers it readily when he senses that something is wrong.

Simply put, HE GETS ME.

I will forever feel indebted to Robert for his friendship to me.  We shall remain friends for life, long after our time at BNDS is over.  He is just a beautiful human being.  

This is my friend Robert...we were
being ridonkulous over something
that tasted or smelled (or both)
absolutely fabulous.  It must have
involved chocolate, though now I don't
 recall.  We had a good laugh about it!

Robert, God love him, is the crazy cat lady, and I
say that in the most loving way possible.  I admire
his mission to rescue feral cats, first in the Keys
and now in China.  He nurses them to health,
domesticates them, and tries to find suitable homes
for them.  This beauty hit the jackpot in allowing
Robert to enter her life.  I did, too.

In the midst of two weeks of frustration and chaos at school,
Robert came to my rescue on multiple occasions.  He then
kindly invited me to join him and the Engler family (also
a Keys connection- small world!) to see a Sunday afternoon
matinee of Zootopia, in 3-D.  It delivered just the laughs I needed :)
The Chinese translation of Zootopia was called "Crazy Animals"

As I stepped out of Wanda Plaza in the late
afternoon sun, the temperature had warmed
to a balmy 58 degrees.  It was the first hint of
spring in the 'jing!  The plaza was a carnival-
like atmosphere full of families and little
children playing games and riding rides. Like
me, they were shaking off the winter blues
and enjoying the sunshine and clean air.

I took a few extra minutes to soak up dem
Chinese babies and their cuteness...

...and to watch ma ma and er zi play a
gigantic game of Hungry Hippos :)

As I waited for the bus to take me home, I
took a moment to admire the red Chinese New
Year lanterns against the gorgeous blue sky.
In spite of a difficult start to the second
semester, I am one very blessed girl.

I really am trying to work my way back to the happiest girl in China :)

G'nite, y'all!

Day 547 "Prize Day"

On Tuesday morning, in the midst of the ongoing VPN and computer crashing fiasco, I had a grade level assistant come to my room to tell me that I had been awarded a prize today, and I needed to come to a 'very important meeting' which was happening in the next hour.  (That is SOOOO the Chinese way- to find s**t out at the last minute).

I was very confused.  Why was I receiving a prize?  Then the grade level assistant read to me an email that was submitted on my behalf and why I should receive such an honorable 'prize'.  The email said some very lovely things (I have no idea who it came from), but in my mind, I am thinking this prize must be something like this:

Then I realized that it was March 8th, International
Women's Day, which really was an honor to me,
as I have never been an International Woman before!

I reported to the science lecture hall at
the appointed time, and was immersed in
a sea of Chinese teachers.  I was the only
Westerner being recognized.  Our seats
were all labeled with our names, so it wasn't
 hard to find where I was supposed to sit!
The Chinese teacher sitting next to me spoke
very little English, but she asked what my
Chinese name was.  I told her I didn't have one-
at least not yet....

Lovely speeches were given, Principal Li spoke, too, and then
we filed row by row to receive our certificates and have our
photos taken.  We filed outside for more photos.  The Chinese
love to take photos, and this laowai stuck out like a sore thumb!

After the group photo, I grabbed Principal Li
for a selfie...it's the closest I will get to a CPM!

We then all filed to another building to receive
our prize.  It wasn't a leg lamp, or a new laptop,
but two large jars of imported Spanish olive oil!
(which I do love to cook with, btw)

The following morning, I showed my certificate to my grade 12's.  I have had these kids in class for two years, so we have become quite close :) I explained my dilemma in that I did not have a Chinese name, and they quickly responded with, "We will name you, Miss!!!"   Now, I don't know what all was said, but there was a flurry of activity on WeChat for the next 24 hours. It was all in Mandarin, of course, but these kids were blowing up my phone taking this task very seriously in naming their teacher.  The following day, they proudly announced my name, and how they arrived at it:

It is pronounced Oh Kuh Yeen.  They chose ou as my family name, as my boyfriend's name begins with O.  As Michael explained this, the girls all began blushing and giggling. It was adorable. ke means lovely and kindness, and they said I was the kindest person they have ever known.  Besides, it sounded similar to the start of my English name, Karyn.  They chose yin for my green eyes, and it means nature, life, and energetic, which they said suited me perfectly.  The girls were teared up, as they really took this task to heart. Given the rough few weeks I have had, I teared up, too.  Their gift of naming me was better than any 'prize' from the school. 

Then, just for kicks, I put the Chinese characters
of my new name in to Google translate, and this
is what I got.  I laughed until I cried, and it
felt good, y'all :-)

I am working my way back to happy, one day at a time.

G'nite, y'all!

Day 544 Beijing Explorer's Club

Only one week back from the Chinese New Year holiday break, and I was on the move once again. This time, it was setting out to see new (old) sights in Beijing.  I have mentioned before that two other teachers and myself host a student group called Beijing Explorer's Club.  Some of our students come from far reaching provinces in China.  However, even those that live here know very little about their own city.  They are so engrossed in studying, that there is little time for recreation- or exploration.  It was Mr. Carlson's idea to form the group, and I inserted myself in along with Lin Yan. Both she and Mr. Carlson teach Human Geography, so for them heading out in to the city with a group of students is like a learning lab. However, as with many subjects, there is crossover in psychology, so it is appropriate for my students to join in on the fun.  

While the geography students have been studying the layout of cities historically, and the cultural influences of various neighborhoods, in social psychology we study group behavior.  Our trip today was to Koreantown, a very large ethnic neighborhood in Beijing.  We planned to walk about the neighborhood, looking for signs of cultural preservation. The students were tasked with photographing cultural 'signs' while I posed a different task to my students. In social psychology I introduced the phrase "Birds of a feather flock together."  Being the literal Chinese babies that they are, when posed with the phrases' meaning they responded with, "Blackbirds fly with blackbirds."

I explained that no matter where you go in the United States, you are free to buy a home or rent an apartment where ever you choose.  Yet, most generally, people choose to self-segregate.  Spend a day in Chicago and it is plainly evident as you leave one neighborhood and enter another- from Pilsen to South Chicago, to Little Italy, to Chinatown, to Ukrainian Village and more.  I went on to say that while they are excited at the prospect of going to university in the United States, in the hopes of making American friends, they will quickly fall to what is familiar and seek out 'their own kind.' They seem to think that won't happen, but I know better ;-)

 So, in this city of 23+ million people, there is a strong concentration of Korean immigrants. The kids were asked to interview a Korean, to ask what brought them to China, and why they chose to live in this neighborhood. As for me, personally, I was just looking forward to eating delicious Korean food!

We began our morning with the kids favorite thing to do- shopping!
We took them to a Korean market in Wang Jing where they
were busy snapping photos and buying Korean snacks :)

Like squid 'chips'.  Ewwwww.

Or Korean Oreos.  Yummmmm.

Or Jinro, a popular South Korean beer.  I'll pass, thank you.

Some of the students were very brave
to ask shopkeepers some questions
about being a Korean living in Beijing.
I was very proud of them, as this clearly
took them out of their comfort zone :-)

We wandered around a narrow alley
way and stumbled in to this Saturday
morning Taekwondo class.

What a cutie patootie!

Next stop was Zi Xia Men, a Korean restaurant.

Next to shopping, the kids love eating!

My Korean pork bbq with potatoes and carrots was
ah-mazing!!!

Lin Yan offered me some of her peanuts, and I
happily obliged, until they hit my mouth!  I was
shocked to discover dried minnows in my nuts :-(
That just ain't right, y'all. 

WeChat is a popular app in China (I can video call
home to y'all if you got wechat on your phones-
no charge!) There's all kinds of cool features on the
we chat app. Lin Yan paid for the bill with WeChat,
by simply taking a photo of the bill. Sometimes,
China does have it going on.

After our delicious meal, the manager
of the restaurant came and gave a talk
about how he came to China from South
Korea six years ago.  The kids asked
lots of questions, and he clearly enjoyed
sharing his story. I don't have a clue what
he said, but he was very animated and
entertaining, if you ask me!

Our next stop was to a Muslim
neighborhood, where the kids again
took photos of the Muslim culture-
just another language of twirlygigs
I do not understand. 

I did pick up on the fact that while Chinese
characters are straight lines, Korean characters
are loopy with circles. Yep, that's all I got.

Lin Yan arranged for us to have a guide take us through Niu Jie
Qinshensi- which from the outside looks like a typical temple
you would find in Beijing.  However, the English name is
The Ox Street Mosque.  How she was able to arrange a school
visit to a religious site is beyond me.  We had to be sure to
arrive after the 1:30pm prayers had finished, and the fact
that we had to pay for a tour guide made it seem more like a
museum admission, which is acceptable 'for learning'. 

We had to wait a few minutes for our
guide as the prayers were just finishing up,
and people were leaving the mosque.

Lin Yan was very excited watching the men
leave the mosque wearing their taqiyah prayer
caps...she leaned over and whispered to me,
"They all look so happy and peaceful."

We were happy, too!  These are some of my seniors,
Michael, Seraph, and Lisa- I love these kids :-)

While the kids listened intently to their guide, 

I got a little bored not understanding what was being
said, so I wandered about the mosque snapping photos.

First built in 996, it is the largest mosque in
Beijing.  It contains some tablets and artifacts
from the 1600's and the Qing Dynasty. 

This was called the Moon Tower.

It was built to look like a temple to fit in with
the Chinese architecture- until you look closely
and see the Arabic calligraphy. Very cool.

More of my Chinese babies; these are two
of my grade 10s, Ester and Antonia :-)

All in all, a day out in the 'jing, on a good air day, and with milder 50 degree 

temperatures, was a vast improvement over sitting in my apartment staring

at a useless computer screen with no VPN!  

I am really trying to be the happiest girl in China.  

Some days, though, China really tries me.

G'nite, y'all!

Day 543 I need connection

It's no secret that since I came back to Beijing after having spent my February winter break in FL with Len, I have been on the struggle bus.  Big time.  

Correction.  

I have been driving the struggle bus.

It got to the place, that in my weepiness I couldn't even stand myself. Len would call and I would cry. I would call my momma and cry.  I would look out my classroom window and cry.  I would drag myself back to my apartment and cry.  All that crying is so unlike me.  I usually am a suck-it-up kind of girl with a glass half full (of wine- just kidding). 

What the heck was my problem? 

For starters, I HATE to be cold. Y'all have seen my fingers, how the blood drains from my digits, even in 55 degree weather.  Beijing in the winter is soooo cold.  Damn cold.  and dark.  Long. Dark. Cold.  Days.  Having just come from the Sunshine State, I had a serious case of seasonal affective disorder kicking in high gear.

Secondly, I miss my family.

Terribly. 

I am now estranged from two of my step children since my divorce from Donnie, and it hurts my heart in ways I cannot even describe.  After 19 years of raising them, of truly being a hands-on step parent, I trusted that my relationship with them would survive a divorce.  They are adults now, with children of their own.  I explained to them that though I was divorcing their father, my love for them had not moved.  It still has not, and it has been nearly two years.  Unfortunately, it fell on deaf ears. They felt abandoned. Now, I too, feel abandoned.  It's crazy, I know, as these are MY choices.  All I can do is respect and honor their wishes, give them the space they desire, and simply pray.  I pray that one day the hurts will heal.  In the meantime, another grandchild was born on 2/26, a week after I got back to Beijing, and I now have two grandchildren I have never met.  This kills me more than you can imagine, as I am a person that values connection.  I don't let too many people in too close in my life, but for those that are, I need to feel that connection.  It's something I worked hard at as a momma, that the seven of us would feel so closely connected as a family.  I blew that all apart in having an affair, and I still struggle with forgiving myself.

My heart aches for my family.

Even with the three children I still am close to, the challenges of holding a relationship together halfway across the world and a 12 hour time difference makes it difficult at best.  Again, I know, these are all choices I have made.  I don't need to be reminded.

Next, I miss Len.  We are in a good place.  Our home is coming together beautifully.  We work well together. I really feel like we are partners.  He is patient, and kind, and generous, and just a beautiful person to me.  We have a long term plan together, that began with buying and renovating this house. We also want to sail together, and over the break we began shopping for a bigger sailboat.  I want to be about it, but I cannot, and that brings me to the last reason for my funk....

I signed on for another year in Beijing.  I got an incredible raise- too good to pass up.  I tell myself it's for my retirement...it's for the sailboat...it's for my future plans...but money does not soothe a hurting soul.  Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I genuinely enjoy the kids I teach, the people I work with, and some days I enjoy the life of traveling and living abroad.  But in the last several weeks, it is simply not enough.  

And then....

...this happened.  My laptop crashed on a Friday.  I only
 teach two periods on Fridays, so it is my work day-
to catch up on grading, attendance, and prepare
lesson plans for the upcoming week.  I was
dead in the water all morning, while these guys
attempted to bring it back to life.  

I went to lunch hoping that my computer would be up
and running, and that I could salvage the afternoon.
The pollution was on the rise on my way to the
canteen, choking out the sun's rays. I felt sorry
for the sun, and I felt sorry for myself.  And once
again, I could feel the tears welling up within me.

I walked a different route back to the library, and
saw the carvings on these rocks for the first time.
It says, "Of Thee I Sing," as in 'My Country tis
of Thee'.  So I sang every word to the song I
learned back in the fourth grade- through my 
pollution mask....and then the tears spilled over.

By the time I got back from lunch, the techs had
called for reinforcements, the head honcho, Sun Hao.
Where he came from is a mystery to me, as there was
an email two weeks ago from him announcing his
departure to another job.  They must have waved
more money in front of him and got him to stay, too.
At least I was hopeful that he could save my laptop.
It was powered up, which it wouldn't even do before.
(and no, I had not backed anything up, either.)

A whole afternoon was spent sitting and doing nothing,
except staring out my window at the rising pollution.  

By the end of the day, the AQI was over 350.  We had a
field trip scheduled for the following morning that was
looking like it was going to get cancelled. Another man
 came to my room after the school day and said that he
must take my laptop and work on it overnight. The tears
spilled for the second time that day, at the thought of an 
entire day, and now evening, wasted.  The poor guy,
he didn't know what to do with the crying laowai on his hands!

You see, the issue just wasn't that my laptop had crapped out, and that I was stressed about losing all of my files, or that I had a completely unproductive day at work. The technology issues had been brewing all week long here in the 'jing.  The previous weekend, we received this bit of news...

There were two weeks of political meetings which resulted in just about all internet usage coming to a screeching halt.  The internet is our lifeline to the Western world...to stay in touch with friends and family back home, to facetime, email, Skype, facebook, to stream movies, listen to music, and such. Most all of these things require a working VPN or you cannot get around the Great Firewall of China. Apple products were useless, as their ability to connect with a VPN is even worse.  So in addition to not having a working laptop, my iPad and iPhone were dead in the water, too.  Not being able to call my mom, especially, nearly sent me over the edge. She (chooses) to sit in her assisted living apartment and not go anywhere, so she has come to count on my phone calls every 2-3 days. She does not have the internet, and I can only call her through Google or Skype. Neither of these was working, due to the 'political meetings', so it was already a week since we last spoke. 

By the time I got home from school,
I was essentially a prisoner in my own
home because of the SUCKY AIR, and
having no means of entertainment.  I took
 a shower, cried in the shower for the third time
 that day, and then gave up and went to bed.

The wind blew all night long, and thankfully it blew the pollution
out as well.  Our field trip for Saturday was still on (but that is
another blog :)  I was just happy to see blue sky and mountains.

I got back from the field trip late Saturday afternoon, and my laptop was on my desk.  I took it home with me, and planned to work Saturday evening and all day Sunday to get ready for the coming week. I limped along at best.  Files were missing.  Teacher software was missing. And I still had no internet, as we were only at the end of the first week of the 'political meetings.'  It was not one of my better weekends in Beijing.

By Sunday evening, as I looked out my window from my bed,
the pollution was rolling in yet again. It was not the 'great start
to a new week' that I desperately needed to have. 

On Monday, I did my best to teach, but my computer crashed again.  I got it back late in the day on Monday, and took it home trying to prepare my lessons for the remainder of the week.  I also had two exams to write and no teacher software to do it.  The bright spot was the head tech agreed to put the school's VPN on my iPhone so I could at least call my mom from school. (By this point it had been 10 days since we last spoke.) Getting the school's VPN on my phone was a plus for me, but not so much for her. By the time I finally got a hold of her, I spent the whole conversation crying.  She offered to buy out my contract so I could fly home.  That was a very generous offer, but not what I really needed.  My psyche could not take another 'quitting' or 'failure' on my part. On the other hand, it made her feel good to know that her 52 year old daughter still needs her from time to time. I do love my momma. 

I attempted to do some school work at home Monday night, but wound up writing a list of thirteen things that were still wrong with my laptop- the least of which the Microsoft Word program was all in Chinese.  You see, my theory is the reason my computer started crashing is that it was installing automatic updates last week.  All of our software is naturally bootlegged, so I am sure the software updates were incompatible. That thought alone (as to WHY my computer kept crashing) could set me on another rant...

Tuesday they fixed the list of thirteen issues.  Still others cropped up.  By Wednesday, the laptop crashed for a THIRD TIME. Now when I say 'crashed' I mean it wouldn't even power up. Nothing. Not even a hiss or a whimper. 

I WAS OVER IT.  

While I was teaching on Wednesday, they
were performing surgery on my laptop, in my
 classroom, and it was not looking good.

They stitched her closed, and declared
"It's okay now."  Except that it wasn't.
It would power up, but it wouldn't connect to
 the Smartboard or the school's VPN.
They took my laptop overnight for the third time.

I went home to my apartment, for another QUIET evening, cut off from every one and every thing.  I had a fitful sleepless night, and by Thursday morning, I was done in.  I went to my principal's office and LOST MY SHIT.  I had been dealing with computer and VPN issues for nearly two weeks, and I could not take it any longer.  I couldn't do my job without the proper resources at my fingertips (even recording attendance and the electronic grade book is, of course, on line).  I told my boss if I did not have a working computer by the end of the day (amidst hiccuping sobs) I was buying a plane ticket home that weekend and never looking back.  I was ready to walk away from it all.  I gave zero f***s about any of it.  I didn't even care to pack a suitcase.  I wanted the ef out of China, and he knew it.

I scared him.

He said he would have a working computer for me if he had to go on his lunch hour to buy one himself.

Well, the long and the short of it is that was now over two weeks ago.  I am using a loaner laptop from the school that is at least five years old, but everything I need is loaded onto it.  Everything was back up and running just in time to prepare midterm exams. The political meetings ended, and after another week or so, the VPNs resumed working without serious frustration.  I have no idea what has become of my laptop, if it will ever reappear or not.  At this point, I don't even care.  I just need to stay connected, and as of late that has been very difficult to do.

And that, my friends, is the most difficult part of living abroad- trying to feel like you are still connected to the friends and family you left behind back home.  It takes incredible effort, and I get discouraged when I feel like it is a one way street- uphill.  When you throw in all the extra layers of crap like 12 hour time zone differences, VPN issues, political meetings, bootleg software, and Chinese computers, just to name a few....it has been a challenge to find my happy place.

I'm working on it.

Stay tuned.

G'nite, y'all :-)