Today was the day I have dreaded for years. I did not want to have to deal with a tragedy while I am halfway across the world on planet China. I knew that in all likelihood, that was a very real possibility...accidents happen, family gets sick, new little ones are born, the cycle continues. I have had so much loss to confront in the last nine months or so. I couldn't bear the thought of another loss. Yes, she was nearly 102 years old. Yes, she lived a full life. Yes, she is happily reunited with my dad and my grandpa. I know all these things to be true in my head. It is my heart that is incredibly sad. I wanted to hold her hand one more time. I wanted to be with her in her final moments, to pray her through to the other side, to assure it was time, that it was okay, and that I would be okay. I wanted to be with my brother, Kent. I didn't want him to have to deal the business of dying all by himself. I feel selfish. And sad. The truth is, I am not okay at the moment. I feel like the saddest girl in China. For now, I have to sit in what is a sometimes messy life, and find a way to be okay once again. Tonight I am sad. Heartbroken. Exhausted. Today I tried to push through and teach through my grief. Tonight, I just want to be back in Indiana.
I came home and slept for three hours. My head is still pounding. I put on some soothing music, laid in the darkness, and just tried to be present in the moment. The only way through it, is through it. Why has this hit me so hard? I knew this day would come. Why do I feel so lost right now? I feel like the little girl that didn't want to go home from Grandma and Grandpa's house. I just wanted to stay with her then, as I do now- for always. I never wanted to leave her. Today she left me.
My grandma was the epitome of unconditional love. Truly. My grandma LOVED me. My grandma was a lover. She loved deeply and passionately, just as I do. As I thought of her unending love for her family- her grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren, several things came to mind, that literally took the wind from my sails.
I realized today, that back in Indiana, it was still March 18th. My grandma said she always hated the month March. "You can give March back to the Indians," she'd say. "I'm going to hide behind the couch, and not come out until March is over," was another one of her many expressions. The month of March took everyone from her that she loved- her mother (when she was a five year old little girl) her mother in law (who was the mother she never had) my dad, and then her beloved, my grandpa. My father died when I was 19 years old. I was on spring break, staying at Grandma and Grandpa's, when we got the phone call that he had a heart attack and died. That was March 19th, 32 years ago, when she lost her only child, my dad. Then, March 17th, less than two years from the anniversary of dad's death, my grandpa died. As I sat at my desk earlier today, sobbing after my brother had texted me that she had passed, I realized it was March 18th in Indiana. I don't think it was any accident that she died the very date between the two most important men in her life. It was perfect, and beautiful, and heartbreaking to realize this. I had to leave school early.
Something else that is true to my relationship with Grandma, she was very, very intuitive. She was especially tuned in to me. If I had an argument with my husband, if I was sad or upset, in the heat of the moment, more often than not, the phone would ring. I would pick up, and it would be Grandma, crying, fretting, blurting out, "What's wrong? Something's wrong, I just know it. Tell me what's happening. Are you okay?" I typically would say, "How do you know, Grandma?" rather than even answering the phone with a "hello." I knew it was her, as much as she knew what was happening with me. That is how deep and powerful our connection has been for fifty years of my life. It was so uncanny, and yet it was so comforting at the same time.
As I have spent this evening alone, here in my apartment in Beijing, I have been reminded of all the ways that she is such a part of me. Her death feels like a part of me went with her. She was my role model. She was my rock. My Grandma was my everything, my world, in some ways even more than a parent to me.
So much of who I am, is tied up in her. I have her eyes; her eyes were nearly yellow with a blue/green ring. Our eyes both sparkle when we are happy, and they 'flash' when we get angry. I got 'the look' from her. The red in my hair was from her, and I definitely got her dancing gene! We both love music, we love to dance, we love to laugh. Grandma was a pillar of strength- the strongest woman I have ever known- physically, mentally, and spiritually. (She could still pop a bicep well in to her 90's!) Emotionally, she would cry at the commercials of abused animals. I do the same, as do my girls, Emily and Ellen. None of us girls could ever understand how a person could abuse an animal. Our pets are our babies. My grandpa always said if he died first, and if there was such a thing as reincarnation, he wanted to come back as one of Grandma's poodles :) Well, today he got to greet her with a kiss once again, just as he always did, and he was likely holding Skuffie, their gray poodle, as he often did. I am sure he immediately wrapped her in his arms and swung her around the dance floor after so many, many years of waiting. She is happy tonight, I am certain.
My Grandma modeled to me that there is life after divorce. She left an abusive marriage with a three year old little boy, and hopped a train out of state to make a fresh start. This was back in an era where there were few divorces, there were even fewer opportunities for women in the world of work, and no man would ever want a woman who already had a child. That is, until she met my Grandpa, who adopted my dad when he was five. They were perfect for each other, and the loving example of a marriage I needed as a child.
By example, she taught me that I can do anything I set my mind to. She taught me that attitude is everything; that it is important to have a good attitude, to be positive, to be happy. It was Grandma who taught me to choose happy. "There's no sense in crying over spilled milk," she would say. After a bit of sadness, either hers or mine, she would say, "that's enough crying for now, it's time to get busy," which usually meant I would follow her into the kitchen and we would make something together. Usually it was a sugar pie, and all of my children have some to love Grandma's sugar pies. I am so happy to have that legacy of making sugar pies to share with them.
It was my grandma who taught me to cook, "from scratch, none of that boxed stuff." I am so thankful now to have so many of her recipes written by her own hand. Granted, some are hard to decipher, like 'a hunk of butter the size of an egg', or a 'half an egg shell of vinegar', but that's how she learned to cook on the farm. Over time, I learned to cook the same way. She also taught me the importance of keeping a good home, and that a woman can do it all- work, cook, clean, and take care of her family. "A house is make of sticks and stones, but a home is made of love alone." This sign hung in her kitchen, and then it hung in mine. Now it is in a box in storage, until I am settled once again. She would say that cleaning, washing and ironing clothes, making good meals, was how she showed her love. She did it all, and I tried to be just like her. When I married Donnie, and had all five children at home, in spite of working, I tried to do it all, just like the example Grandma had set.
I remember as a child I would wake up at Grandma's house to the smell of coffee brewing for my Grandpa. I would go searching for her in the house, and typically she was already outside- hanging laundry on the line, or working in her garden. I would also feel her come into my bedroom many times through the night to 'check on me'. She would kiss me, touch me, cover me up. Most times I would pretend to be asleep, or I would rouse to her touch. It felt so good to be so loved; I never minded her late night wanderings through the house. She and I are both light sleepers. When I would and find her outside, barely after sunrise, I remember thinking, "Does Grandma ever sleep!?" Today, she can finally rest easy.
Grandma loved the early mornings. She loved when the house was quiet, when the dew was still on the grass. She loved to watch the sunrise with coffee, and to toast the sunset with a cocktail. She taught me that every sunrise is the promise of a new day, to make a fresh start. She taught me to make it count. She taught me to appreciate the sunset, and to thank God for another beautiful day. I have watched sunsets all my life because of her. I never take for granted the opportunity to see the sun set. Most days, when I am home, I watch the sun set from my apartment window in Beijing. It is my time to reflect on the day, to thank God for His many blessings, just as she taught me to do by example. She also taught me to never go to bed angry at the ones I love. She said it was important to say, "I love you" and "I'm sorry" and "Good night" to the ones you love. It was good advice, the best advice, really. Sadly, I could not always live by that one, but I would try to begin the next day with a fresh start. She was a far better person than me in that regard.
I get my stubbornness, my sass, and my driven nature from my grandma. My Ellie bug got those genes, too, God love her. It's funny, that is a phrase my Grandma said ALL the time... "God love it"(her/him/them). Both Emily and Ellen sound just like their great Grandma when they say the same thing. Like Grandma, we are a sucker for all baby animals- kittens, puppies, calves, fawns, colts, baby goats....baby anything....we can't see one, or hold one, or pet one, without saying, "God love it," just as Grandma would do. My home would be filled with stray animals and hurt children. I want to take them all in and just feed them and love on them, just like my Grandma did.
She and Grandpa both were such loving, giving people. After Kent and I were born, I have no recollection of them ever taking a vacation just the two of them. Every vacation included Kent and I, and we vacationed ALOT :) We camped and traveled all over the United States. My love of the outdoors, and travelling, I no doubt got from my Grandma. My first trip on an airplane was on a jet by myself. I had been with my grandparents in Florida, and I had to fly home by myself at age 7 so I could return to school. I became pen pals with the stewardess assigned to me, and we stayed in touch. She would send me postcards from all over the world. For a long time, I wanted to be a stewardess when I grew up. It seemed like the perfect job. The travel bug was instilled deeply in me.
More often than not, on those camping vacations we got to bring a friend. My grandparents were almost disappointed if we didn't bring a friend. That was just my grandparents. They always opened their home, their hearts, and their wallets to Kent and I (and also our friends). I often picked my less fortunate friends to take trips with me because I knew their families didn't do such things. If it was a back to school clothes shopping trip, Grandma bought clothes for them, too. One of my friends got her front tooth broken as a child, and her family could not afford to fix it. My grandma got a hold of my dad and insisted that he take my friend to the dentist to fix her tooth or she would do it herself. This girl and I found one another on FB after all these years, and she has a beautiful smile. She remembered my family fixing her front tooth. That was the example my Grandma set.
It was my Grandpa who instilled in me to thank a serviceman in uniform. He wore his Army uniform proudly when he was sent out just after the bombing in Pearl Harbor. Grandma fretted through three years of his service to our country during WWII. I still have his 'dream house' that he mailed to Grandma while he was stationed in Hawaii. It was made of cardboard from matchbooks. He promised her he would build it for her when he got home from the war. He did. They built that home together in Baldwin, Michigan. It was their dream house on the lake in the middle of the Manistee National Forest in northern Michigan. That home, that forest, that lake, was my childhood sanctuary and playground. The very best memories of my childhood are from that home.
My grandma kept scrapbooks of every trip we ever took- I got the 'scrapbook gene' from her, too. She gave me all of those scrapbooks when I was grown. For her 90th birthday, I took her on a cruise. It was her first cruise ever. She was turning 90, I turned 40, Emily turned 13, and Ellie was along for the ride :) We had a ball. Grandma OWNED that cruise ship, and everybody called her "Grandma!" She and I both got wasted on margaritas on a sailboat ride back from Sting Ray City in Grand Cayman. We both love a good margarita, "Here's to ya!" she'd say. "Let's do it to it!" and her most famous line..."Don't do anything I wouldn't do", and then she'd whisper, "That leaves the door wide open!" I gave her a scrapbook of our trip after we got home.
My grandma loved to laugh, I mean, she really loved to laugh. "I get so tickled sometimes", she would say. She would laugh until she cried tears. Emily and Ellen and I all do the same. My grandma just loved to have a good time. She and Grandpa had 'the gang' of their friends at the lakes, and they would host cocktail parties, and their home would be filled with music and laughter. When they moved to Texas, they found a new 'gang', and the cocktail party tradition continued. She out lived all of her friends. Having to put Grandma in a nursing home at 97 was rough. We'd sneak a cocktail in to her every now and then, and she'd get that sparkle in her eye knowing she was getting away with something! "Here's to ya!", she'd say. My Grandma was a corker.
I think of all the things she taught me as a child and young adult. My Grandma taught me to swim at the lakes. Grandpa rowed the boat along side us both, as I dog paddled across the lake. As kids, we couldn't swim unattended until we could swim over to the Gable's floating dock. Grandma never left my side, but she never grabbed me to keep me from sinking either, though I wanted her to. She just kept swimming and telling me I could do it. It was my first lesson from her in not giving in, and not giving up. My first lesson on a sailboat was up at the lakes with Grandma, too, on a little Sunfish. Hunting for morel mushrooms always happened with Grandma and Grandpa, at about this time of year. We would fill potato sacks with mushrooms! Looking for deer in the woods was also a favorite past time for us both, too. We'd see them a lot up at the lakes. To this day, I still get a thrill when I see a deer. Emily and Ellen do, too- they got the 'deer gene' from their great Grandma :)
As I walked home today from school, I walked past the Chinese preschool in my neighborhood. It was nearly 70 degrees this afternoon in Beijing, and the little kiddies were out playing. I stopped to watch them for a time, and I had a distant memory come back to me...
For many years, on Easter Sunday, (which is just a few weeks away), after church Grandma & Grandpa, Mom & Dad, and Kent & I would drive to Chinatown in Chicago for Easter dinner. It's funny to me now, knowing that the Chinese don't celebrate Easter, but that's just what we did- for several years it was a tradition. I remember being enchanted by all the red lanterns and Chinese decorations. I felt like I was in another country. It was so different from Nappanee, Indiana, the predominantly Amish little town I grew up in. I remember Grandma always took me shopping after dinner. I would get a Chinese fan, a jade turtle, or some other Chinese trinket. I told her I wanted to start a collection of something, but I didn't know what I wanted to collect (besides the seashells and rocks that filled my bedroom- also like my Elliebug, lol). In Chinatown, I found the most beautiful China doll. I knew then and there I wanted to start a doll collection. The China doll was my first 'collector's doll'- not like the Barbies I played with as a child. For my next birthday, my grandparents bought me a beautiful glass cabinet that matched my bedroom furniture, and it was where I displayed my dolls in all the years following. That summer's camping trip with Grandma and Grandpa was to the Badlands, and I got an 'Indian doll' from the reservation. That was the second doll in my cabinet.
I watched those babies playing in the schoolyard this afternoon, and I thought, "They are cute as little China dolls" ...and here I am now, living in China.
Life is funny like that.
Grandma, I will love you forever. You are such a part of me, how could I not?
Thank you. For everything. All of it. You were the best.
Rest easy.
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